can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
as a side note pls kill me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
