There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
