I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
