Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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