dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
