I love black thongs
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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