just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
