Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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