I want to have your abortion
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
