I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
