A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I didn't notice because vodka
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize