he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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