Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
