Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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