The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
