I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
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please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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