6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
