It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
