Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
operation harelip BJ is a go
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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