her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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