Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize