She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
