I'll bet she douches with gravy.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
