I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
