Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need water and some morals
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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