If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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