I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
