I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
