her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
