I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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