I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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