This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
