he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
