dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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