We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
