i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
