Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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