Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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