I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize