It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
