i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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