mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i need some magic done to my vagina
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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