there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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