Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
