You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry about my life...
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