i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
