Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
