i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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