Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
