i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize