Soap is not a condiment
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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