Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
