i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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