Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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