if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
