i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
