Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
