I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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