I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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